1 Cent News

I don’t usually like to poke fun at murder, but this past Tuesday a man in Russia killed a woman, 61, and severely injured her husband, 58, using the Karate he had been studying for the past seven years.

The man had been drinking when he got it into his head that the elderly couple was responsible for giving his wife lice.  He burst into their apartment and laid an old-school Karate beat down on the pair.

Some thoughts:

1. What would Mr. Myagi think of all this? The man was obviously from the Cobra Kai Dojo.
2. Lice? Was brutally murdering an elderly woman and injuring her husband worth the $34.99 USD it would have cost for a lice cure. www.licehelp.com
3. Was he wearing his Karate clothes? Did he pull out a jump-kick, or did he just use the standard front-kick and punch?

Neighbours  - we all have them. Most are easy to get along with, while others are the type who purchases gasoline as a cleaning product only to be surprised that they have burnt down the entire apartment building.

Such a neighbourly situation occurred this past Friday in the community of Appleton, Wisconsin when Ernest D. Krajniak, 47, thought he would get a jump start on his spring cleaning. Perhaps the store was out of Vim or perhaps nothing cuts grease like gasoline, but somehow Krajniak decided to visit the gas station for all his cleaning needs.

After emptying his entire closet into a pile beside the containers holding the gas, Krajniak lit a cigarette and tossed it on the floor, only to have it set the place ablaze.  Then, instead of calling 9-11, he started shouting “fire!” and ran to the police station asking to be taken to the hospital.

During questioning, Krajniak told police he knew gasoline was flammable and that he probably shouldn’t have used it to to clean his home.  He also admitted that it was perhaps “a mistake” to throw the lit cigarette onto the floor. I am sure that the newly-homeless tenants from the 11 other apartments were pleased to hear that.

This story comes from a local paper I found online.  In the comment section at the end of the story one reader wrote: “I met Ernie before, as his bartender. He’s a very quiet guy and decent tipper if you left him alone”

In that case, drop the charges…

Excuse me if this is a little delayed, but I only read about Miss Universe’s exploits to Guantanamo Bay this morning. The flu of the century had me bed-ridden for the past week!

From what I can tell, Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela, visited the base and prison that holds 240 prisoners late in March.  Writing about her experience on her blog, she mentioned that Guantanamo Bay was a “relaxing, calm, beautiful place”.

That entry has since been replaced by an apology letter from whatever governing body oversees the blog, but I was lucky enough to dig some quotes up from other sources.

Here are a few highlights:

Miss Universe thought the trip was “an incredible experience” and that it “was a loooot of fun!”  (please notice the five “o”s….it was just that much fun!!)

She then went on to say “I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.” (I’m sure a long-term stay could be arranged).

Her favorite part was when all the military dogs showed her “their skills”.

————-

Next week Miss Universe plans to visit Iran in her bikini, apparently she thinks the Ayatollah is a “real down to earth guy” and then she is off to the Gaza strip where she hopes to “work on her tan and finally shoot one of those rocket-launcher thinga-ma-jiggy’s”.

I’ve got a challenge…

What’s your cure for the cold? I’m desperate.

I used to take a combo of Neocitran and Contact-C, but I can’t afford to be passed out all day.

HELP ME!

According to Reuters, a new study in Britain revealed that surnames are currently undergoing a major shift. Richard Webber, who authored the study, used data from a credit card firm and compared to census data from 1881.  (Before we get to the results, let me just point to the fact that the head authors name is Richard, which we all know shortens to Dick. A guy named Dick is studying mock-worthy names…)

Here’s what this ever important study revealed:

There are less Cocks and Balls, but Wangs have increased by 2225%

Which begs the question, how are there so many Wangs walking around without any Balls? (ba dum ching!)

Also on the decline is Death, Smellie, Cockshott, Shufflebottom and Daft.

In my opinion, this is borderline disastrous. What will future generations of first grade Brits ridicule if all the funny last names are gone?

For more surname fun, be sure to visit Webber’s site, www.mapyourname.com

For health reasons I usually try and keep my Habs obsession off this blog, but as I watched my beloved bleu, blanc et rouge crumble yet again to the Leafs, I knew I needed to write something.

Earlier this season I went out and bought the Montreal Canadiens: Memorable Games in Canadiens History, 10-DVD set.

Given the way this Centennial season has shaped up, I have a suggestion for Warner Home Video that would be a little more apropos - Montreal Canadiens: Most Horrible Games of the 2008-2009 Season, 10-DVD set.

Here are my disaster-ridden picks:

Thursday, November 13, 2008: Boston 6 Canadiens 1

Remember the year before when we owned Boston? Well, this first Boston/Montreal match up of the 08-09 season really foreshadowed each team’s  new destiny.

Forgettable Moments:

1. Carey Price getting a delay of game penalty resulting in Marco Stum’s second goal of the night.
2. The Lucic/Komisarek fight. We all know how that ended and how wonderful Komisarek has played since.
3. Stephen Yelle (who?!) also potted two goals.

Monday, November 24, 2008: Islanders 4 Montreal 3 SO

Ahh yes…the Habs were up 3-2 coming into the third and then the unspeakable happened - Ryan O’Byrne scored on his own net. He said he didn’t realize it was a delayed penalty,  he said he was trying to pass the puck to Price….

Forgettable Moments:

1. Ryan O’Byrne scoring the tying goal on HIS OWN NET
2. The Habs being unable to win it back for the poor guy when we had a power play in the dying minutes.
3. The power play going 1 for 7 the entire night.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009: Thrashers 4 Canadiens 2

I pick this game only because since this loss it’s been downhill. It was the first of four losses. Something that hasn’t happened to the Habs since the 2006-2007 season.

Forgettable Moments:

1. Halak being pulled in favour of Price, after carrying the team while Price was injured.
2. TWO Thrasher rookies getting goals
3. Losing to the Thrashers AGAIN

Sunday, February 1, 2009: Bruins 3 Canadiens 1

Dressed in probably the worst retro jersey’s ever, the Habs lost to the Bruins for the FOURTH TIME in a row.

Forgettable Moments:

1. Losing to the Bruins while wearing pyjamas.
2. Losing Guillaume Latendresse to a shoulder injury.
3. Losing Robert Lang for the season after a weird collision that severed his Achilles tendon.

Saturday, February 7, 2009: Leafs 5 Canadiens 2

I was at this game. It was painful. The Timbit hockey team during intermission played with more gusto than the Habs.

Forgettable Moments:

1. The first period. 18 shots for the leafs, 5 for the Habs
2. Going 1 for 13 on the power play
3. The score almost being 6 - 2, one of Toronto’s goals was disallowed.

Monday, February 9, 2009: Flames 6 Canadiens 2

It was the first time I shut off a game. My mental well-being depended on me switching channels.

Forgettable Moments:

1. The TWO short-handed goals scored against the Habs.
2. Sergei Kostitsyn’s play. For example, his weird puck mis-handle that led to Flames second goal (we were winning 2-1 at the time)
3. The five unanswered goals by Calgary starting in the second period.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009: Oilers 7 Canadiens 2

5 goals from the Leafs, 6 goals from the Flames, it only followed the Oilers would score 7.

Forgettable Moments:

1. Being down four goals by the end of the first period.
2. Allowing yet another shorthanded goal (that was three in two nights).
3. Mathieu Dandenault and Francis Bouillon being our only goal scorers for the night.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009: Sabers 5 Candiens 1

The Habs should have been shut-out. The were out-shot, out-played, and Plekanec salvaged what was left of their dignity by scoring the lone goal with just over a minute remaining.

Forgettable Moments:

1. Being outshot again…39-27
2. Carey Price
3. ANOTHER shorthanded goal scored against the Habs.

Saturday, March 14, 2009: Devils 3 Canadiens 1

With Brodeur on the verge of tying Patrick Roy’s win record, the Habs basically gave the Devil’s goalie the record.

Forgettable Moments:

1. Tom Kostopolous and his penalty-filled evening.
2. The last 10 minutes of the third period…if they were going to play with such little effort, Gainey should have just called the refs over and told them to stop the game. That would have been easier to watch.
3. Being outshot a staggering 48 to 23!

Saturday, March 21, 2009: Leafs 5 Canadiens 2

Even though the Habs had already lost to the Leafs 5-2, this loss was far more painful. Was it the fact that since firing Carbo, the Habs have actually only won once, or was it that they lost to Ottawa the game before?

Forgettable Moments:

1. The second goal by the Leafs (which came only seconds after the first goal).
2. Going down 4-0 against a non-playoff team.
3. Giving Grabovski a goal and three assists.

Just one more reason why you shouldn’t put money in your mouth (or nose, if you hang that way). Watch the video.  Trying to recap this would be futile.

My questions for the nice lady who had to pick money out of a dog’s ass:

• At the end of the video, why is your family lovingly sitting on their front porch RIGHT BESIDE the poopy-cash? Could you not have put the money to dry out back? Do you really need your neighbours looking at that? And the towels…why are you putting poopy-stained cash on a white towel?
• Who washed the money and which sink in your home did you use? How do you make that decision?
• After doing this story with CNN, do you actually think any bank teller will touch the money?